PLOT RELEVANT DIGRESSION 2 (MAIN PLOT CONTINUATION THREAD)

princess: i gotta say having you move in here was a really great idea. i cant believe i never asked my old maid to do this

new maid: isnt it fun?? you get to meet all my stuffies!

princess: i do like your stuffies [holding up a bear] whats this ones name

new maid: harold!

princess: hi harold, im the princess

new maid: harold says hi, your majesty

princess: [giggling softly] thank you harold.. you have a lotta stuff ive noticed

new maid: ...do you want me to take it down?

princess: no not at all, its adorable, its just like. idk ive always had this room pretty sparsely decorated

new maid: why's that, your highness?

princess: i dunno. i guess i dont like that many things. all i have is my bookshelf and my vanity. and like. this guy i guess [holding up a raggedy wolf plush from under her bed]

new maid: whats his name?

princess: muffins. ive had him since i was 4

new maid: princess.. that is so beautiful.. i am so glad you shared that with me... [a single tear forming in her eye]

princess: yeah i used to beat the shit out of him and suck on his ear til it came off. one time i peed on him just to see whatd happen and then i slammed him against the wall and got pee everywhere. and my dad was pissed and the maids had to do like double work to clean it up

new maid: hhaha.. that is also quite.. beautiful, your highness...

princess: he was basically my only friend. other than uh. i dont need to talk about her. so what do you wanna do today bestie

new maid: aa.. awh.. you called me.. sniff.. um.. i was thinking we could watch cartoons together!!!

princess: oh cool. the only thing i watch is yuri hentai

new maid: you masturbate a lot, huh, your highness?

princess: girl i am the loneliest person you'll ever meet

new maid: not anymore!!! now i can keep you company!!!

princess: i guess that's true

new maid: itll be like every night is a sleepover!!!!

princess: i did really like that sleepover..

new maid: ooohh.. do you wanna braid each others hair?

princess: ive never done that before

new maid: WHAT?! you have so much to catch up on, your highness!!!

princess: [smiling softly] i guess i do. i guess i do..

maid 3: princess, i was wondering if i could speak with- what the- what happened with this room??

princess: hey rosie. check it out. emily lives here now isn't that awesome

maid 3: you called me by my name.. yeah.. these decorations are very cute.. did you say emily is living with you?

princess: yeah we're besties now isnt it awesome. check out these cool pajamas she got me [stretching out her legs to reveal pink pajama pants with a cute little cartoon bear on them]

maid 3: that is pretty cute, your highness.. hmm.. perhaps ive been a little too harsh in my judgement of you

princess: nah its chill. you were kinda right about me. i was like, really shitty to you guys. emi has been teaching me how to like not be weird and shit. its chill

new maid: rosie come join us please! we're having a tea party

maid 3: a.. tea party? that's a little childish, isnt it..?

princess: maybe thats not such a bad thing. cmon, you can wear a big hat and everything

maid 3: well i guess i can try.. so have you two been like, getting busy or

princess: no actually. weve mostly just been reading comics together and stuff

maid 3: huh.. [sitting down on the floor with them] well actually i wanted to you about that..

princess: [holding a teacup] yeah whats up

maid 3: well.. yknow.. after that thing we did, i uh. i had a really fun time and uh, i dont know if lilia feels the same way, but i think id like to do that again. but maybe without the violence this time

princess: yeah? i thought you guys hated me lol why the change of heart

maid 3: well yknow. you can be kind of a bitch. but i dont think youre a bad person. and your dick is like really big

new maid: rosemary!!! language!!!

maid 3: oh sorry.. yeah i dont know. i think maybe itd be cool if we were friends

princess: thats fine with me, i never really had any problem with you guys

new maid: [sipping her tea] you two are going to make me cry.. i love this so much....

princess: hahaha, its not a big deal emi

new maid: i know its just.. i love when people make amends..

maid 3: well, i dont know. i guess what i'm tryinf to get at here, your highness, is like. i'm sorry for all the stuff i said. like it was really mean

princess: again you were kinda right about me it really isnt a thing. dont worry. all is forgiven. cmon, drink some of your tea, harold made it so delicately just for us

maid 3: harold? i didnt realize you had a butler..

new maid: [holding the bear up and doing an accent] only the finest butler at your service, madame!

maid 3: aw.. haha.. you know, you two are actually pretty cute like this

princess: its not even a thing its just what girls do. thats what emily says at least

maid 3: i mean.. i guess you're not wrong. its just nice

princess: what is

maid 3: you're like a totally different girl when you're happy

princess: ......

princess: huh..

new maid: [still doing the voice] your highness! your tea is getting cold!!!

princess: [asleep in bed, dreaming about maid while holding new maid against her body close] mmgghhgh.. maid.. jerk.. me off.. ghhfhdh..

new maid: [fast asleep with a huge smile on her face, happy to be in her princess's arms]

maid 2: [knocking at the door] princess. princess

princess: [climbing out of bed in her nightgown] maid.. is that you..? did the knights save you babe.. babe cmere.. i need to kiss you.. ive missed you so much.. god yr so hot babe.. fuuuck.. [opening the door] oh. hey lilia

maid 2: hello princess. today i bring you a guest

prince: [red faced in teary eyed] PRINCESS!!!! [immediately runs up and hugs you]

princess: w- whoa hey, watch it little guy.

maid 2: [clearly a little annoyed] i'll leave you to it then. [shuts the door]

princess: [sitting on the carpet] whats wrong dude why are you crying like a bitch

prince: oh its just awful princess! a dragon has kidnapped my sister! my darling older sister! sniff.. i didn't even have the chance to tell her how much i care for her.. i'm most broken hearted, princess...

princess: chasey? no way.. i kinda liked her.. huge boobs...

prince: [breaking into sobs] WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT???

princess: sorry dude. [patting him on the back] that really does suck. i lost my girlfriend the same way. im sorry you had to go through that

prince: [sniff, hic] its just a-awful, kind princess.. and my father doesn't even seem to care.. she was.. she was like my closest friend, your highness.

princess: thats fucked up man im like actually really sorry for you. can i get you anything michael

prince: n-no.. i'm. quite alright. having you here helps.

new maid: [springing out of bed in ghostface pajamas] prince!!! I heard everything, i'm so sorry!!! please allow me to fix you a cup of tea!!!!

prince: sniff.. sniff.. tthat would be wonderful, young maid.. i just.. he didnt even send any knights to retrieve her.. its as if he didn't even care....

princess: don't worry dude, ive got like, my two best knights on it. if she didnt get eaten theyll definitely rescue her

prince: really?! [hugging the princess really tight] i knew it.. you are kind, deep down.. beneath your off-putting exterior

princess: okay what does That mean. im not that off putting

prince: [sniff] you are quite unpleasant, princess...

princess: hey im doing you a favor here

new maid: [bringing him tea] here, drink this your highness.. itll make you feel better...

prince: [sipping the tea] goodness.. you have such kind maids as well.. sniff.. i genuinely look forward to our wedding now...

princess: our what

prince: did you forget? we are to be wed, your highness

princess: awh fuck. i totally forgot. fuckkk. fuck.

prince: [sniffle] at least try to be a little excited.. it is a lifetime commitment, after all...

princess: is it too late to cancel on that. i kinda wanna keep my options open you feel me

prince: after my sister was so horribly kidnapped?! oh goodness.. this day cannot get any worse for poor michael...

princess: okay okay sorry. i just, yknow need some time to think about it. also why do you refer to yourself in the third person thats really weird

prince: a.. apologies, princess.. it has been a hard week.. for all of us.. my darling little sister has been unable to leave bed all week..

princess: dont even worry about it dude youre okay. here why dont i have my two maids look after you for a bit, you deserve some care after all that

prince: ...... you wouldn't happen to have any male servants, would you?

princess: uh-

princess: i mean probably? look how about you go back down and talk to lilia im sure she can find someone

prince: thank you, fair princess.. your kindness knows no bounds.. sniff.. you are far too kind to poor michael... [stepping out of the room]

princess: that guy is so fucking weird

new maid: princess! his sister just got kidnapped! be nice...

princess: sorry youre right. my bad. i just really dont wanna get married

new maid: you did agree to it, your highness.. and its not as if the king would let you marry a woman...

princess: i guess so. did he mention he had a little sister. i kinda wanna meet her

new maid: princess.. does your lust know no bounds...?

princess: hey i didnt mean it like that. maybe she needs a friend

new maid: well.. i suppose.. we can arrange a visit with the king later...

princess: cool. i hope that guy ends up okay

new maid: yes, i do too.. he is quite strange though, you're right!

princess: RIGHT????

princess: alright shape up maidy we're meeting a princess today

new maid: but you are a princess.. why would i need to-

princess: cmon. cmon girl. you know what i mean

new maid: well.. thats a good point actually... i'm sure this girl will be quite the princess, your highness! she is the other kings favorite.. why, i'm sure if you were a prince, your father would have you marry her no doubt!

princess: eww dont say that.. chill out, you havent even met her yet. maybe shes weird as fuuuck. remember, this is in the spirit of diplomacy or whatever

new maid: y-yes.. of course, your highness!

princess: [opening the door to her chambers]

young princess: ........

princess: heyyy girl.. uh.. remember me? elizabeth? lizzie? uh. yknow. princess

young princess: ....yes. i recall.

princess: [wow wtf is with this girl] so like. uh. haha. mind if i sit down

young princess: ........

young princess: ...if you must.

princess: [sitting on the foot of her bed] so like uh. listen, we heard about what happened to your older sister, right

young princess: [giving her the most neutral expression of all time. totally stonefaced] ......

princess: right.. and uh. we just wanted to like. come by and check on you. see if you're doing alright. yknow

young princess: ....i am fine. was that all you needed?

princess: uh. well uh, look, i had someone close to me stolen by a dragon too, i know how hard it can be. yknow. like. it feels like the entire world is ripped out from under you. like,

young princess: .....

princess: when i lost my maid, it felt like my whole world ended. yknow. like i uh. ive been lonely most of my life, right. and yknow. i may not be such a good girl, but, my maid, uh. she always saw the best in me. she pushed me to be a better person. without her i. i dunno. i wouldnt be who i am now.

young princess: .......

princess: and like. i dunno. i have new people in my life, and they care about me, but. nothing can replace what she was to me, yknow?

new maid: [i.. i see...]

princess: what i'm trying to say is. [putting her hand on her leg] i know what its like to lose someone. its hard. it sucks. and it never goes away. but, uh. i'm here for you. i wanna- i wanna help.

young princess: ........

princess: [pulling her hand away] sorry.. we can uh, leave you be.

young princess: ........

princess: [stands up] cmon emi. lets go home

young princess: [also stands up]

princess: huh?

young princess: ......

young princess: ......you are returning home, yes?

princess: yeah... why....

young princess: [grabbing the princess's sleeve] .......

princess: do you wanna come with..?

young princess: [nods]

princess: a.. awh.. uh.. let me ask your father and-

young princess: [shakes her head]

princess: i.. uh, okay i guess. its probably fine.

young princess: [immediately starts walking while guiding the princess through an exit that she didnt know existed]

princess: i guess we're taking her with us..

new maid: more company never hurts!

princess: i uh.. i guess not

dark lord: [watching from her orb] UGH when is the princess gonna fuck the maid!!! this fucking sucks!!!!!

minion: your wickedness.. i have word that a brave hero seeks to vanquish your evil-

dark lord: NOT NOW INSOLENT WORM. I have more important matters to attend to. uggghhhh... this new princess is clearly much worse.. and.. BRING THE KNIGHT BACK.. UGH! THIS SUCKS!

minion: shall i send an army of undead skeletal warriors, your wickedness?

dark lord: wh- no, why would i do that- oh you mean for the hero, yeah whatever have the witch of the ruined kingdom go kill her or whatever i dont care. i gotta see where this goes. its just getting good

minion: perhaps i can have our person on the inside influence events in a most dastardly way...?

dark lord: who- my little sister? jesty?? no way she's living her own life, you know a lot of you wretched minions have little understanding of boundaries

minion: my apologies your wickedness, shall i give you a handjob?

dark lord: girl no way, the power imbalance here is way too intense, it wouldn't feel right at all. now CEASE YOUR WHINING INSOLENT WORM. and bring me ANOTHER TUB OF ICE CREAM so i may watch as THE IDIOTIC HERO is BANISHED TO THE REALM OF SHADOW ONCE AND FOR ALL. or whatever.. fuck i gotta see where this new maid fits inti things

minion: [really sad she didnt get to give her a handjob] yes, my lord...

dullahan: [trotting on her horse and holding her head up so shes easier to hear] my lord, the brave hero of legend continues her advance towards our stronghold of evil. we must stop her at once

dark lord: yeah don't worry i'll handle it.. babes cmere.. look.. do you see that [pointing to the illegitimate princess on her orb]

dullahan: yes i do, my lord. who is this figure

dark lord: that's my daughter. isnt she so cute

dullahan: i was unaware you had birthed the spawn of evil. is she part of your wicked plot tp lay ruin to the land?

dark lord: what? no she's just living her own life. look shes tamed a dragon isnt that so cute?

dullahan: i'm sorry dark lord, but is that not your sister?

dark lord: who, jesty?

dullahan: yes, and is she not kissing your daughtef

dark lord: .....

dark lord: fuck. fuck you're totally right

dullahan: yes, now i see why you have such strong interest in these two. truly this is a wicked pairing, my lord.

dark lord: no it's- aw man i feel really fucked up now. they have no idea. i cant ruin it for them theyre so cute together. like how could she ever know yknow. fuck

dullahan: truly wicked, your wickedness. once again you live up to your name. i am honored ti have pledged my life to serve your evil machinations

dark lord: no its like really sad!!!! and fuck.. jesty was born after i concieved.. fuckkk.. fuck i really fucked this up didn't i?

dullahan: yes, it's truly something to behold. your wickedness continues to impress me

dark lord: at least they aren't sisters, i guess

dullahan: and thank the forces of evil for that, for this is truly much worse.

dark lord: [putting a palm on her forehead] fuckkkkkk

brave hero: SILENCE, evil witch! i have been sent on a quest from beyond this realm to vanquish your kind! by my blade, the forces of evil will fall!

witch: nYYEEHHHH... you think you have won, foolish hero, but the worst is yet to come.. my master will be here soon, and then you will see. the dark lord is not one to be trifled with.. hahaha... HAHAHAHA.. all of the insolent FOOLS of this world will be vanquished by her cruel and wicked hand.. it is.. [cough] only a matter of.. time.. heh.. heheheh... heh....... [disappears into dust]

hero's companion: my goodness.. is what she said true..?! about the dark lord..? i have sworn to follow you to the ends of the earth, and this pact i shall not break, but.. i worry, old friend...

brave hero: no.. show no fear, my dear companion.. if this dark lord makes her presence known, we shall free this realm from her wicked curses and machinations.. you have no reason to fear.. i can protect you......

companion: [blushing really hard] w-well.. i trust you in this.. after all, what choice do i have.. h.. hero...

dark lord: [materializing in sweatpants] what. what the fuck do you want

brave hero: ?!

companion: n-no! it can't be!! the dark lord!!!

dark lord: yeah. its me. what the fuck do you want, pathetic worm

brave hero: g-gah! your verbal taunts do not phase me, wicked one! at arms! prepare to die by my blade!!!

dark lord: [waving her hand around as the hero's blade suddenly rises from her hilt and is crushed into a useless hunk of metal, discarded casually] are you seriously fucking prophecymoding right now. you are causing me to MISS my SHOWS. they just introduced the illegitimate princess. you seriously think you are more important than jesty x illegitimate princess.

brave hero: gg.. guh.. my .. my sword of power...?!

companion: babe! please, allow me to shield you

dark lord: don't you insolent fools get it? i am the fucking dark lord. [pushing her glasses up and taking a sip of her coffee out of a mug that says #1 EVIL MASTER] i could end your pathetic cowering whimpery lives at a moments notice. you wouldn't be the first. thousands of heroes like you have died by my hand. did you seriously think you would be special?

brave hero: w-well.. uhm.. tthat is not true! i am the hero of legend! i shall vanquish you by any means necessary! i am the protagonist!!!!

dark lord: you are nothing to me, foolish one. i could literally eat you if i wanted to. my dark powers literally know no mortal bounds. here. check this out [snaps her fingers and the hero is suddenly naked]

brave hero: W-WHAT?!

companion: [blushing] NO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!

dark lord: yup. i can do that. actually you know what. i don't have time for this. fuck you [turns the brave hero into a mouse. picks her up by the tail]

brave hero: S-SQUEAK

companion: what- what have you done?! you truly are wicked!!!

dark lord: i'm wicked as fuuuuuck. i could eat you right now if i wanted to but i don't really care so you're going right here [tucks her between her breasts] oh shit. oh SHIT. wait you gotta see this, holy shit, they just met the young princess

companion: the.. the young princes...?

dark lord: jesus christ are you not caught up at all

companion: s.. sorry.. i only read the original thread...

dark lord: ugh. whatever. this place sucks anyways i'm doing a favor by bringing it all to ruin. fuck you 🖕 [disappears in a cloud of wicked foul-smelling smoke]

companion: wh-

companion: what the fuck????

witch: [appearing behind her] i told you! the dark lord is not one to be trifled with!

companion: YOU'RE STILL ALIVE???

witch: well yeah. i was just waiting for your annoying friend to leave

companion: she's...

companion: she's not that annoying...

jester: hmmMmMMm... soooooo.... princess annie.... i had a queeessttiooon :3

foreign princess: Yes, jester? What seems to concern you?

jester: [obviously and ubsubtly staring at her cleavage] ummmmmmm

foreign princess: Yes?

jester: aauuuuummmmmm..... ummmmm...

foreign princess: Out with it, peon.

jester: are those real??????

foreign princess: ......

foreign princess: Yes, do you want to touch them?

jester: oh boy DO I!!!!! do you make milk? can you get pregnant? how big is your butt? do you smell good? can i touch your hair????

foreign princess: Slow down please, one at a time

jester: ummmm... ummmm... can u take ur clothes ofd? please? xP

foreign princess: Alright, but my anatomy is nothing to gawk at. It is quite average, really. [strips down nude]

jester: holy COW!!!!!! you have HUGE BOOBIES!!!!! and a BIG BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

foreign princess: [blushing a bit] I suppose I have some desireable attributes..

jester: can u sit on my face :3 pls :3 pretty please :3

foreign princess: I suppose it is.. within the scope of my abilities. You are quite uncouth, aren't you, strange girl?

jester: yuuuuuuuup. do u fart?

foreign princess: What?

jester: nothin [looking to the side and whistling] nothin. jus' thinkin. nothin' big, just chillin'

foreign princess: I'm sorry, are you alright? Is there something wrong? You seem.. Out of sorts.

jester: umm no im normal :P :3 im pretty normal :P can u sit on my face now?

foreign princess: Alright.. Lay down, then. I haven't got all day.

jester: [fist pumping] YESSS. score 1 jesty score 0 rest of gay world. so fricking dopesauce.

foreign princess: I- I'm sorry did you just say my rear is 'dopesauce'????

jester: no but it totally is. epic with a side of awesome.

foreign princess: [sitting on her face] You are the strangest woman I have ever met. All of you are quite, quite strange

jester: MPPH MPHH MPH MMPH MPH

foreign princess: Quite beautiful, as well...

jester: [playing with her tummy] bweep boop bweep boop bweep boop

foreign princess: Hmmm.. Tell me something, Jester. How does it feel? To, you know, have the sacred anatomy.

jester: ummm i donno.. .i dont even use it really! it dont evem work! look [pokes at her bulge] see? nuffin :3

foreign princess: Yes but.. surely it must feel special, right? Like you must understand that you are above me, right? You are better, than I?

jester: umm well im PWETTY sure i wuz just under you a second ago... your butt is HUGE by the way, like HUGE, HOLY COW!!!

foreign princess: Yes, you've mentioned it several times now. I just wonder how it would feel. To have one, I mean.

jester: welll ummm.. probly not even that different tbh :S

foreign princess: How so....?

jester: well theres more to life than just sex silly princess! like, i still eat food, i still take naps, i still shower and run around and i still look at bugz and stuff, im just like you!

foreign princess: But... you are...

jester: a girl??? so are you silly!!! its like, its not even this big, look [holding her hands out] like this is as big as it gets, and dats not even like. like 1/4th of your body. deres like a.million other things nd stuff :P

foreign princess: I.. Suppose.... But I am still lesser, am I not?

jester: nuh uh. you breav da same air.. u see the same sun rise and da same sun set.. u get 2 experience every quiet moment of bliss wen da sun hits yr eyes and the feeling of that crisp autumn air hits yr lungs... u see da way da leaves form patterns in da snow.. da way trees fall nd grow and become a part of da world just like anything else.. u have eyes that see truth and a mind that sees beauty in that truth and like honestly wut more can u even ask for!!!!!!!!!

foreign princess: ......

foreign princess: I... See... Well.. I suppose I have a lot to think about...

jester: i dont!!! lemme huff ur butt more!!! it smells good :333

foreign princess: V.. Very well.. Strange, strange girl...

jester: holy shit i cant believe you sctually did that :33333

foreign princess: Y-Yes.. Neither can I.. Uhm, if you tell anyone I shall have you put to death!!!

jester: teehee . it can be our little secret :3 :3

foreign princess: a.. alright.. I must say it is strange to be so sexually desired.. I never thought myself worthy of such attention.. And yet, even my.. well, ahem, you know.. My most disgusting parts seem to excite you...

jester: okay well it literally smells good number 1 and numbr 2 uhmm of course U deserve it ? why would u not deserve it ?

foreign princess: I exist as a vessel for girls like you. I worship, girls like you. You are everything to be. So perfect, so beautiful, I desperately long to be something so profound as to be like you. Truthfully, I am quite insecure for a princess.

jester: girl u have a huge butt and huge boobs and a soft tummy. AND ur literally a pwincess. dont put urself down so much. of course u deserve it! duh! duhhhhh!

foreign princess: W-Well, I suppose, but you are so-

jester: [interrupts her by climbing on top of her and making out with her]

foreign princess: [eyes going really wide as she kisses back] akfkdkgjshfhsfjdkfhshjfshfhshfhfhfgff

jester: [pulling away] see? ur worthy of being kissed. bye me :3

foreign princess: dhhajghshddgfhshf

jester: ummm.. miss pwincess.. are u otay... hello.. princess....

foreign princess: I-I.. II.. GGFHDHF.. JJESTER.. YOU.. I..

jester: hey can i smell ur bref? i bet it probly smells really good

foreign princess: ii,, you.. you just.. no one's ever d-done something like that to me before,,

jester: ummm why ur literally pretty + cutes

foreign princess: i-i'm.. a princess.. ii'm royalty! i'm mmeant to... gghhf.. bbecause i ddon't deserve it,,

jester: u literally have to stop saying thst cus u liferally do cus ur literally nicies

foreign princess: m-mmph.. a.. aalright.. tthankyou.. ggff..

jester: ya no pwobz. can i smell ur bref?

foreign princess: a.. alright.. [opens her mouth]

jester: YESSS... after this im gonna feed u a lot and play with ur tummy until u burp

foreign princess: [?????? who would get off to that????] a.. aalright.. i ssuppose i do owe you for that,,

jester: [fist pumping] score 3 jesty, score 0 world.. awesome :33

PLOT RELEVANT DIGRESSION 2 (MAIN PLOT CONTINUATION THREAD)

princess: i gotta say having you move in here was a really great idea. i cant believe i never asked my old maid to do this

new maid: isnt it fun?? you get to meet all my stuffies!

princess: i do like your stuffies [holding up a bear] whats this ones name

new maid: harold!

princess: hi harold, im the princess

new maid: harold says hi, your majesty

princess: [giggling softly] thank you harold.. you have a lotta stuff ive noticed

new maid: ...do you want me to take it down?

princess: no not at all, its adorable, its just like. idk ive always had this room pretty sparsely decorated

new maid: why's that, your highness?

princess: i dunno. i guess i dont like that many things. all i have is my bookshelf and my vanity. and like. this guy i guess [holding up a raggedy wolf plush from under her bed]

new maid: whats his name?

princess: muffins. ive had him since i was 4

new maid: princess.. that is so beautiful.. i am so glad you shared that with me... [a single tear forming in her eye]

princess: yeah i used to beat the shit out of him and suck on his ear til it came off. one time i peed on him just to see whatd happen and then i slammed him against the wall and got pee everywhere. and my dad was pissed and the maids had to do like double work to clean it up

new maid: hhaha.. that is also quite.. beautiful, your highness...

princess: he was basically my only friend. other than uh. i dont need to talk about her. so what do you wanna do today bestie

new maid: aa.. awh.. you called me.. sniff.. um.. i was thinking we could watch cartoons together!!!

princess: oh cool. the only thing i watch is yuri hentai

new maid: you masturbate a lot, huh, your highness?

princess: girl i am the loneliest person you'll ever meet

new maid: not anymore!!! now i can keep you company!!!

princess: i guess that's true

new maid: itll be like every night is a sleepover!!!!

princess: i did really like that sleepover..

new maid: ooohh.. do you wanna braid each others hair?

princess: ive never done that before

new maid: WHAT?! you have so much to catch up on, your highness!!!

princess: [smiling softly] i guess i do. i guess i do..

maid 3: princess, i was wondering if i could speak with- what the- what happened with this room??

princess: hey rosie. check it out. emily lives here now isn't that awesome

maid 3: you called me by my name.. yeah.. these decorations are very cute.. did you say emily is living with you?

princess: yeah we're besties now isnt it awesome. check out these cool pajamas she got me [stretching out her legs to reveal pink pajama pants with a cute little cartoon bear on them]

maid 3: that is pretty cute, your highness.. hmm.. perhaps ive been a little too harsh in my judgement of you

princess: nah its chill. you were kinda right about me. i was like, really shitty to you guys. emi has been teaching me how to like not be weird and shit. its chill

new maid: rosie come join us please! we're having a tea party

maid 3: a.. tea party? that's a little childish, isnt it..?

princess: maybe thats not such a bad thing. cmon, you can wear a big hat and everything

maid 3: well i guess i can try.. so have you two been like, getting busy or

princess: no actually. weve mostly just been reading comics together and stuff

maid 3: huh.. [sitting down on the floor with them] well actually i wanted to you about that..

princess: [holding a teacup] yeah whats up

maid 3: well.. yknow.. after that thing we did, i uh. i had a really fun time and uh, i dont know if lilia feels the same way, but i think id like to do that again. but maybe without the violence this time

princess: yeah? i thought you guys hated me lol why the change of heart

maid 3: well yknow. you can be kind of a bitch. but i dont think youre a bad person. and your dick is like really big

new maid: rosemary!!! language!!!

maid 3: oh sorry.. yeah i dont know. i think maybe itd be cool if we were friends

princess: thats fine with me, i never really had any problem with you guys

new maid: [sipping her tea] you two are going to make me cry.. i love this so much....

princess: hahaha, its not a big deal emi

new maid: i know its just.. i love when people make amends..

maid 3: well, i dont know. i guess what i'm tryinf to get at here, your highness, is like. i'm sorry for all the stuff i said. like it was really mean

princess: again you were kinda right about me it really isnt a thing. dont worry. all is forgiven. cmon, drink some of your tea, harold made it so delicately just for us

maid 3: harold? i didnt realize you had a butler..

new maid: [holding the bear up and doing an accent] only the finest butler at your service, madame!

maid 3: aw.. haha.. you know, you two are actually pretty cute like this

princess: its not even a thing its just what girls do. thats what emily says at least

maid 3: i mean.. i guess you're not wrong. its just nice

princess: what is

maid 3: you're like a totally different girl when you're happy

princess: ......

princess: huh..

new maid: [still doing the voice] your highness! your tea is getting cold!!!

princess: [asleep in bed, dreaming about maid while holding new maid against her body close] mmgghhgh.. maid.. jerk.. me off.. ghhfhdh..

new maid: [fast asleep with a huge smile on her face, happy to be in her princess's arms]

maid 2: [knocking at the door] princess. princess

princess: [climbing out of bed in her nightgown] maid.. is that you..? did the knights save you babe.. babe cmere.. i need to kiss you.. ive missed you so much.. god yr so hot babe.. fuuuck.. [opening the door] oh. hey lilia

maid 2: hello princess. today i bring you a guest

prince: [red faced in teary eyed] PRINCESS!!!! [immediately runs up and hugs you]

princess: w- whoa hey, watch it little guy.

maid 2: [clearly a little annoyed] i'll leave you to it then. [shuts the door]

princess: [sitting on the carpet] whats wrong dude why are you crying like a bitch

prince: oh its just awful princess! a dragon has kidnapped my sister! my darling older sister! sniff.. i didn't even have the chance to tell her how much i care for her.. i'm most broken hearted, princess...

princess: chasey? no way.. i kinda liked her.. huge boobs...

prince: [breaking into sobs] WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT???

princess: sorry dude. [patting him on the back] that really does suck. i lost my girlfriend the same way. im sorry you had to go through that

prince: [sniff, hic] its just a-awful, kind princess.. and my father doesn't even seem to care.. she was.. she was like my closest friend, your highness.

princess: thats fucked up man im like actually really sorry for you. can i get you anything michael

prince: n-no.. i'm. quite alright. having you here helps.

new maid: [springing out of bed in ghostface pajamas] prince!!! I heard everything, i'm so sorry!!! please allow me to fix you a cup of tea!!!!

prince: sniff.. sniff.. tthat would be wonderful, young maid.. i just.. he didnt even send any knights to retrieve her.. its as if he didn't even care....

princess: don't worry dude, ive got like, my two best knights on it. if she didnt get eaten theyll definitely rescue her

prince: really?! [hugging the princess really tight] i knew it.. you are kind, deep down.. beneath your off-putting exterior

princess: okay what does That mean. im not that off putting

prince: [sniff] you are quite unpleasant, princess...

princess: hey im doing you a favor here

new maid: [bringing him tea] here, drink this your highness.. itll make you feel better...

prince: [sipping the tea] goodness.. you have such kind maids as well.. sniff.. i genuinely look forward to our wedding now...

princess: our what

prince: did you forget? we are to be wed, your highness

princess: awh fuck. i totally forgot. fuckkk. fuck.

prince: [sniffle] at least try to be a little excited.. it is a lifetime commitment, after all...

princess: is it too late to cancel on that. i kinda wanna keep my options open you feel me

prince: after my sister was so horribly kidnapped?! oh goodness.. this day cannot get any worse for poor michael...

princess: okay okay sorry. i just, yknow need some time to think about it. also why do you refer to yourself in the third person thats really weird

prince: a.. apologies, princess.. it has been a hard week.. for all of us.. my darling little sister has been unable to leave bed all week..

princess: dont even worry about it dude youre okay. here why dont i have my two maids look after you for a bit, you deserve some care after all that

prince: ...... you wouldn't happen to have any male servants, would you?

princess: uh-

princess: i mean probably? look how about you go back down and talk to lilia im sure she can find someone

prince: thank you, fair princess.. your kindness knows no bounds.. sniff.. you are far too kind to poor michael... [stepping out of the room]

princess: that guy is so fucking weird

new maid: princess! his sister just got kidnapped! be nice...

princess: sorry youre right. my bad. i just really dont wanna get married

new maid: you did agree to it, your highness.. and its not as if the king would let you marry a woman...

princess: i guess so. did he mention he had a little sister. i kinda wanna meet her

new maid: princess.. does your lust know no bounds...?

princess: hey i didnt mean it like that. maybe she needs a friend

new maid: well.. i suppose.. we can arrange a visit with the king later...

princess: cool. i hope that guy ends up okay

new maid: yes, i do too.. he is quite strange though, you're right!

princess: RIGHT????

and she is also NON-WHITE. she is latina for the record. as is the dark lord even though shes nebulously canon

non plot relevant digression 3

princess: [idly flipping through another yuri manga] you know what ive been needing

new maid: what's that, your highness....?

princess: a harem. i need a harem

new maid: a.. harem..? well you do have your knight.. and me, of course.. is that not enough for you your highess!

princess: i guess.. but look here, [holding up 2 pages from her book] in this one the princess has like, 6 girls, and they ALL fuck on her. like i want that

new maid: are those girls naked?!

princess: yeah but thats besides the point. here do something for me

new maid: anything, your highness!!

princess: call up lilia and.. rosemary? was that her name? have maid 2 and maid 3 come to my quarters please

new maid: right away your highness!!!

knight: wrrrff.. i dont know if this is a good idea mommy...

princess: hush now puppy let mommy think

— A FEW MOMENTS LATER —

new maid: i come accompanied by rosemary and lilia! at your service, your highness

princess: perfect. maid 2, maid 3, cmere

maid 2: do you not even know our names

maid 3: god you suck

princess: now now girls, i know weve had our differences, but listen. you two are really pretty okay?

maid 2: not this again

maid 3: [turning around] yeah im leaving

princess: NEW MAID!!! do not let them leave

new maid: m-my name is..... yes your highness..

princess: as i was saying.. i have not always been the kindest to you.. but.. im ready to change

maid 2: oh really now

princess: yes. and any banging sezbian lex we have is just an extra benefit

maid 3: that's like, the grossest way you couldve put that

princess: come now.. you don't have to be so mean

maid 2: girl we fucking hate you

new maid: lilia! do not speak such words to the princess

maid 3: no you know what. fuck this. you have been a weird freak and a pervert to us from the moment you got here, im fucking sick of it. you make me so sick

maid 2: yeah, you're disgusting. we would genuinely be happier if you were dead

princess: [blushing profusely, a little lightheaded] ggirlss.. you ccant talk to me that way.. ahahehah.. im.. royalty... hhehehehe.. keep going

maid 2: no way. are you seriously jerking off to this. i am so out

maid 3: wait. lilia.

maid 2: what, rosemary

maid 3: maybe we should keep going

maid 2: so she can just jerk off to it like the fucking pervert she is?

maid 3: lexa has been saying we need to relieve stress

maid 2: what, by berating the princess? you want me to beat her up?? you seriously think we should dom the princess??

maid 3: i mean.. [gesturing to the princess]

princess: [fanning herself with a little paper fan, legs firmly crossed]

maid 2: okay fine. we can try it. but get that little girl out of the room

new maid: why does everyone keep calling me that!! [stepping out of the room]

maid 2: [glaring at the knight] and my ex girlfriend. please.

princess: p-phew.. you heard her.. ggive us some privacy.. eehehehe..

knight: yes, my princess.... [stepping out of the room]

maid 3: alright do you wanna go first or should i

maid 2: let me go first. i have a lot of stress i need to relieve.

maid 2: [wiping blood off her knuckles and onto her dress] she's all yours.

maid 3: [grinning wide] ladies

new maid: [appalled] princess!!!

knight: [barging in after her] my princess!!! qhat have they done to you!!!!

princess: [bruised and bloody and grinning ear to ear] hhheeyyy girrllsss hhahahaha

knight: this is UNACCEPTABLE your highness. allow me to lay my blade on those misersble wenches!

princess: chill outttt im fine.. they didnt hit THAT hard.. look, i still have all my teeth [grinning wide]

new maid: princess.. please, allow me to bathe you.. your dress is ruined..

princess: no like. i really needed that. like wheeeeww. i needed that, emi

new maid: you.. remembered my name..

princess: dude did you know rosemary has huge tits under that dress

new maid: she does?!

knight: yes they are quite sizeable

new maid: how do you- nevermind that! princess!!! wait, she let you see her naked?

princess: I KNOW RIGHT... also puppy, you can drop the whole knight routine.. cmon..

knight: apologies, my lady, but i cannot possibly shirk my responsibilites when my beautiful princess is in such a state! my princess must be [taps spear] PROTECTED!

princess: god i forgot you used to be like this

knight: also, i am quite unhappy you slept with my [tap] EX! who is a [tap] BITCH who [tap] SUCKS and i [tap] HATE [taptaptap]

princess: hey hey hey..!!! chill out girl!! youre gonna damage the flooring.. its okay.. me and lilia didnt even have sex.. mostly she just hit me while rosemary rode me

knight: PRINCESS! i did not need to KNOW THAT!

princess: what. its not like maid 3 is your ex

knight: .......

princess: seriously?!

knight: were you.. unaware..? lilia, rosemary, and alexandria are in a polycule together.

princess: no way. maids 2 and 3 AND knight 2?!

knight: y.. yes.. do you really just call me knight 1 in your head..??

princess: [yes] no. i remember your name. but anyways. were all 4 of you dating?!

knight: yes

princess: did it.. end badly..?

knight: yes.

princess: what.. happened?

knight: I DO NOT WISH TO SPEAK ON IT, your HIGHNESS

princess: okay i get it, you dont need to yell

new maid: that is of little importance princess, are you safe?!

princess: yeah i'm fine. its just bdsm

new maid: b.. d.. s..

princess: do you seriously not know what bdsm is. jesus. the middle schoolers today really are fucked

new maid: I AM NOT- wait a minute.. you know i am not a child! weve slept together!!!

princess: yeah im just fuckin with you, youre cuter this way

new maid: wwwh- whatever!!! allow me to bathe you!!!

princess: yeah okay. hey kni- cass?

knight: yes, your highness?! what is it!

princess: sorry. i didnt realize you would be so upset

knight: it is.. fine.. ultimately it's of little importance. weve been broken up for some time, and i shouldve expressed my discomfort in the moment. my apologies, my princess.

princess: no girl i'm the one that's apologizing!!! if id thought about it for even one second idve realized thatd obviously make you upset, i mean. duh

knight: it really is fine, my lady. it's not as if we are dating, you have made that very clear. i have no real reason to be upset

princess: oh yeah. thats true. so i can do it again? and itd be like chill?

knight: [sighing] do as you must, your highness. i must be leaving anyhow.

princess: oh where are you going puppy?

knight: [wincing a little] on a quest. me and alexandria must slay a dragon

princess: oh.. good luck.. i hope you don't get eaten

knight: [suddenly very intense] we won't. see you soon, m.. princess. [steps out]

princess: okay.. bye ......

new maid: .......

princess: i kinda feel like maybe i fucked up there

new maid: mmaybe just a little, your highness,

knight 2: [smirking] so you two have been busy huh

maid 3: yes.. very.. i believe weve been too hard on the princess

maid 2: oh come on girl. she fucks your ass one time and immediately youre team princess. cmon.

maid 3: her dick was really big

knight 2: wait actually

maid 3: yes actually. she hit my prostate like. a lot of times. ive never had sex that good

maid 2: w.. well.. fuck, really? fuck. i shouldve switched out with you

maid 3: but im glad you didn't. anyways yeah, we had a threesome with the princess

knight 2: oh i can tell LOL. so what was she like. did she like get all handsy and try to feel you up. she gives rapey vibes

maid 3: surprisingly no. she was very clear about asking before doing anything. and she didn't do anything we said no to

maid 2: i mean. yeah that's true. she still sucks though

maid 3: idk girls i think maybe weve been too hard on her. she's just a girl after all. and she's younger than all of us

maid 2: i guess so. i dunno. she just gets to sit around all day. doesn't that piss you off

knight 2: i object to that, as a fellow sit around all dayer

maid 2: yeah but youre like, yknow, oath and all that. like you do something with your life

knight 2: i guess so

maid 3: anyways, what i'm saying is, maybe weve been looking at this all wrong maybe [maid] was right about her. maybe shes not such a bad person

maid 2: maybe. shes still weird. she needs to learn to shut the fuck up sometimes

maid 3: yes but, she's not beyond help

knight 2: i like this redemptive streak in you rosie, it gets me hot

maid 3: l.. lexy.. haha..

maid 2: okay very funny but seriously. i dont know. i still don't trust her. did you see what she did to cassie?

maid 3: be serious, lilia. cassie has always been like that

knight 2: cassie is a very strange girl, thats for sure. i feel bad for her. shes like, got problems.

maid 2: we all know she has problems, but its not our job to fix them. thats why we had to break up. remember

knight 2: yeah i guess so. i dont know. if the princess is able to provide her comfort, maybe shes capable of a kindness we havent seen ye- what the fuck cassie what are you doing here

knight: lexa. we've been assigned a quest.

knight 2: questing? seriously? no girl cmon

knight: serious. we've been assigned to kill a dragon.

knight 2: awwwww fuckkkkkkkk

knight 2: so where even is this dragon. do we have a plan or

knight: i told you everything the king told me. We must SLAY this wretched beast for all it has TAKEN from us

knight 2: cassie can you please chill with the yelling

knight: [clutching her spear tigher] i've been under immense stress, alexandria. something a true knight would understand

knight 2: i'm just as much a knight as you are cmon now. don't go therr

knight: and yet you always disrespect the oath!!!

knight 2: you know the oath is bullshit

knight: the oath is NOT BULLSHIT. quiet. i hear something.

knight 2: you're the one yelling girl

knight: SHHHH [holds spear up] i think i see it.

knight 2: see what

knight: THERE!!!!

bandit: alright fine you caught me jesus. you royal pricks are so fucking annoying

knight: DROP YOUR WEAPONS KNAVE OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO STRIKE

knight 2: cassie. please. let me handle this one

knight: always the center of attention, lexa..very well. hmph

bandit: dude is your partner pouting

knight: were NOT partners

knight 2: dont even worry about her. so like what are you doing. youre like on the outskirts of the castle wearing all black. are you a thief or a scoundrel

bandit: yuuuuup uou got me asshole. wow. very quick thinking on miss tin can over here

knight: [holding her spear up] watch your words, knave.

bandit: what is even your plan here. are you gonna kill me? just cus i called you a dickless little loser? i mean sure you could probably get away with it, but like, yknow. wouldnt be very knightly of you or whatever

knight 2: stop talking to her youre talking to me

bandit: oh yeah youre the little bitch one. gotta keep psycho over there in check huh

knight 2: honestly you are like really mean

bandit: were enemies girl im literally trying to rob you

knight: let me strike her down. PLEASE lexa

knight 2: nobody is getting struck down

bandit: your friend disagrees. you guys are pretty bad at this knighting thing

knight 2: we arent even here for you

bandit: you're not?

knight: no, scoundrel. we're here to slay a DRAGON.

bandit: oh shit. you guys are trying to kill dragony?

knight: whos- huh

knight 2: you know where the dragon is?

bandit: yeah of fucking course i know where the dragon is. that bitch took my girlfriend from me

knight: what like, ate her?

bandit: no they had this whole situationship thing or whatever. doesn't even matter. they broke up after like a year. probably cus my ex is a fucking bitch who sucks and pisses off everyone who dates her

knight 2: i would never talk abput my ex like that

knight: yes you would.

bandit: no. no way oh my god are you two exes???? hahahahaha this is way too funny can i tag along

knight: wh- no! of course not!!

knight 2: yeah sure i mean if you know where the dragon is

bandit: yeah i can take you to her. sorry for calling you a dickless loser

knight 2: that's fine it's not even wrong really

bandit: it's not?

knight 2: yeah. i got the surgery

bandit: no way thats awesome. fuck yeah girl. up top

knight 2: [hi fives her]

knight: wh- excuse me are we SERIOUSLY allowing a CONTEMPTIBLE SCOUNDREL into our party. this is ABSURD.

bandit: not The contemptible scoundrel. important distinction. also jesus christ can you stop yelling. are you like. r-

knight 2: woah hey watch it. she is a little weird but she could also definitely kill you

knight: [tapping her fingers along her spear] and it would bring me great pleasure.

knight 2: maybe rosie was right you did seem a lot happier as a puppy

knight: i learned my lesson. trust is for fools and idiots.

knight 2: what happened to you

knight: YOU did, alexa!!! YOU!!!!!

bandit: lol you two remind me of my ex

knight: YOU STOP TALKING

bandit: my bad

bandit: bitch

knight: I HEARD THAT!!!!!!!!

knight: great. look what you did. we're LOST.

bandit: thats not my fault i thought u knew where we were going. are u both stupid

knight 2: okay maybe we dont get out of the castle much

knight: we literally never leave the castle. we are both under sworn oath to protect the princesses.

bandit: princesses

knight: yes, there's another-

knight 2: cassie. girl. state secrets.

knight: right... sorry. do you seriously not know how to get out of dark spooky woods?!

bandit: no way. is that what you call it

knight: y- do these hallowed forests have a name??

bandit: no but. are you like. 6

knight: [whimper]

knight 2: ease up on cassie

bandit: why. shes rude and loud and annoying as fuck. why should i care about how she feels

knight 2: because she's the only one of us who is likely to survive an encounter in dark spooky woods. we need her on our side

bandit: [thinking] alright fair enough. whatever. sorry for calling you 6 loser

knight: hmph. as if i care what a FIENDISH ROGUE says to a HEROINE OF JUSTICE. i am here to punish the wicked, i care little what they say.

knight 2: oh god no cassie. i thought you were past this

knight: i took an OATH lexa!!!! I exist to uphold virtue in the world!!!! I'm DIVINELY ORDAINED!!!!!

knight 2: fucking hell girl get it together!! you're a kid in a suit of armor. you're not a heroine. you're just a girl.

knight: my oath. shh. what was that. everyone stop

bandit: okay

knight 2: [sighing]

knight: i see it. there. [she throws her spear with precise accuracy]

undead: [hit directly in the heart. shambles out and collapses on the ground]

knight: what was that about heroism?

knight 2: whatever. its still not healthy

bandit: HOLY FUCK IS THAT A ZOMBIE?!

bandit: [snnnzzzzz]

knight 2: fucking finally she's asleep.

knight: [picking supplies off corpses, investigating them] interesting..

knight 2: she's actually kinda cute when she's sleeping like this. you wouldnt think it but when she's not running her mouth she's kind of beautiful. [running her finger across her cheek] she looks so peaceful. cassie

knight: [packing random items into her pack] yes, alexa

knight 2: what are you doing

knight: look. the marks back here. all of the corpses have them. here, take this.

knight 2: arrows?

knight: you know how to shoot, don't you?

knight 2: not since, like. Knight school

knight: [not as loud as before] a good knight ALways practices with her weapons.

knight 2: whatever. so those marks, huh

knight: yes, they must be related. and no, it's not whatever. you must ve ready for combat at any time. unholster your bow.

knight 2: why

knight: [walking up behind her] just do it.

knight 2: alright fine [holding her bow]

knight: [putting her arms around her waist] steady your stance.

knight 2: uh. o-okay. [spreading out a little

knight: load an arrow.

knight 2: [loading an arrow] okay..

knight: [putting her hand over the other knights hand] no, you're holding it wrong. like this

knight 2: aah.. thank you... um.. what now..

knight: do you see that tree there? that one right back there

knight 2: yes... its a little far

knight: you have a clear shot. i want you to hit it.

knight 2: um.. okay cassie..

knight 2: [fires]

knight 2: [misses]

knight: no. here. pull it back again. [putting her hands on the other girl's.. adjusting her stance.. pulling her arrow back a little more] fire.

knight 2: [fire]

knight 2: -thwnk-

knight: there. see? you can still shoot. practice that more

knight 2: [flushed red] o.. okay... hey cassie..?

knight: [moving away to polish her spear point] what.

knight 2: [firing another arrow] did the king acrually send us on this quest? [-thwnk-]

knight: ...... [wiping blood off]

knight 2: well?

knight: no. he didn't. i just needed to get away from the princess

knight 2: [phwwwww]

knight 2: [thwnk]

knight 2: i get it

knight: you do? i thought you would be mad...

knight 2: nah. i get it. you're really good at quests, cassie

knight: i.. well.. a good knight protects the ones she cares about.

knight 2: [phewwwww] i guess so [-thwnk-]

bandit: [jolting upright] WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SHOOT AN ARROW AT ME?!

knight 2: we're practicing. go back to sleep, zoey. you need the rest

bandit: oh... well.. aim better fuckface.. mgh.. thankyou..

knight: i still think we should kill her

knight 2: [firing another arrow] i know you do, cassie. i know.

knight: [curled up on the ground like a dog]

bandit: and she sleeps like this?

knight 2: yup

bandit: every night?

knight 2: yup

bandit: jeez. looks uncomfortable

knight 2: i know, right?

bandit: see tell me something. ive been wondering. you two assholes are nothing but rude to me, which i get, i'm a bad person, i steal and i cheat and whatever, but what i don't get is, why are you so nice to her

knight 2: who, cassie? why would i be mean to her

bandit: i dunno. shes loud and aggressive and always berating you, whcih like, yeah youre pretty fuckin bad at this. youre like, awful at questing girl, but you just take it. like are you just a bitch or what

knight 2: its not that simple. shes my ex yknow

bandit: yeah, but my ex treated me like shit too, and i never just went along with it. i fuckin hate that chick. yknow?

knight 2: yeah but like. she wasnt like that when we were dating

bandit: she wasnt?

knight 2: no, she was very sweet. she liked to take care of me and stuff. and i took care of her. she's like a dog, yknow. incredibly loyal and caring. she goes to great lengths to protect you

bandit: wait so- were You the toxic one??

knight 2: no it's not. it's not like that. i broke up with her cus. well, okay, there's 4 of us total right. i have two other girlfriends. lilia and rosemary. right. and me and cassie were always the closest, which was a lot of tension, but even outside of that. cassie is a very. troubled girl

bandit: uh huh. that much is obvious LMAO.

knight 2: she needs a lot of help. like a lot of it. see- how shes kicking her leg there?

bandit: yup

knight 2: shes having another nightmare. she's probably gonna wake up crying again

bandit: jesus. i didnt realize.

knight 2: she acts like that to keep all that stuff down.. basically every other day shed be shaking and crying, and i was the only one who could bring her back from that

bandit: mhm. yeah.

knight 2: but it.. yknow.. it takes a toll... and the other girls missed me a lot, too. they knew it wasnt healthy for any of us

bandit: and what, you just listened to them?! you just abandoned her???

knight 2: well- i had to-

bandit: [shoving alexa] fuck you. thats fucked. a girl like that needs to be taken care of, not kicked to the curb. ugh. pieces of shit like you make me sick

knight 2: mgh.. well..

bandit: well what. huh? you just left her to die. that's fucked

knight 2: well okay fine. you're right. you're right, okay?? i just couldn't take it anymore. it was too much, and they kept telling me i had to, that it was either lose everyone or lose her. i couldnt live with that. i picked them. sorry if that makes me a bad person.

bandit: [sitting down next to cassie and petting her softly] it does, for the record. it does make you a bad person

knight 2: i.. i know. i know it does.

bandit: maybe this is a chance to start over. fuck those bitches in your castle. they aren't here with you. she is. take care of her.

knight 2: i dont know. she probably doesnt even want it anymore. i fucked her up even worse. she probably hates me

bandit: probably. are you just gonna let her go on feeling like that?

knight 2: i.. i guess i can try. why do you even care so much

bandit: i just. [caressing the girl's shoulder a little bit as a tear runs down her face] i just do okay. leave me alone, loser.

knight 2: these woods cant go on FOREVER can they???

bandit: i mean who knows for sure i dont fuckin know

knight: [sighing] they warned us to stay out of spooky evil woods for a reason... [gwrrrgrl]

knight 2: okay well i'm hungry so we better get out of here quick

knight: we shall find food.. all good knights are trained to hunt..

bandit: wait!!! hey bitches look!! an abandoned shack!!!

knight 2: oh shit yr right nice catch little zoey

bandit: I AM NOT LITTLE FUCKFACE. DIE. anyways theres prolly food in there i bet

knight: i suppose its better than all this.. walking.. [sighing as she clutches her spear, readying herself for combat]

knight 2: okay rock paper scissors who goes in first

bandit: me i win. im not wearing a full suit of armor. if theres anything in there i can sneak up on it and kill the Fuck out of it hahahaha

knight 2: you are way too excited to kill things

knight: no i kind of get her enthusiasm

knight 2: [standing at the door] of course youd say that

bandit: [plodding her little feet to the back of the cabin. sneaking in]

knight 2: so do we just wait here

knight: i suppose

knight 2: .......

knight: ........

knight 2: so this is awkward, huh

knight: what is

knight 2: yknow. me and you. being here. ive been wondering something, cass

knight: what.

knight 2: if you werent really sent on this quest..

knight: yeah

knight 2: why'd you bring me along?

knight: ......

knight: idont know... youre a good knight.. thats all.

knight 2: thats it?

knight: aand.. youre really good at taking care of me.. and i was.. scared.. of going bby.. myself..

knight 2: .....

knight 2: thank you for trusting me, cassie

knight: w-whatever.. we still aren't okay, you know.

knight 2: yeah, i know. hey cassie

knight: what.

knight 2: i'm sorry.

knight: ..... empty words. but.

knight: thank you, alexa.

knight 2: yeah. 'course

knight: [blushing, looking towards the door] she's been in there a while. we should check on her

knight 2: fine by me

knight: [opening the door]

bandit: [bashing a rock into the skull of a very dead undead wolf] STUPID [slam] FUCKING [squelch] DOG [crunch]

knight 2: jesus. zoey are you okay??

bandit: [covered in black discolored blood] I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!!!!

knight: interesting. it seems its not only humans that are being turned.

bandit: [grinning ear to ear, breath ragged] YOU TWO WANNA FUCK??????????

— ABANDONED CABIN BEDROOM —

bandit: [sitting on the floor in the middle of the carpet] hmph. hmph.

knight 2: are you seriously still pouting cus we didn't have sex with you

bandit: i really wanted to ride that high!!! you have no idea how good it feels to kill a wolf with your bare hands... hhffff..

knight: [polishing her spear] i do. it doesn't feel particularly good.

bandit: well maybe not for YOU..uuuugghhhhhh im still horny.... plleaaaaaseee? pleasepleaseplease? fuck im horny

knight 2: girl no. we gotta find food anyways. i think thats higher priority than sex

bandit: we cant cook the dog?

knight: its undead. its flesh is rotten.

bandit: [reaching into some impossible to see pocket and pulling out a sack of berries] what about these

knight 2: did you have those the whole time?

bandit: been pickin' em. idk if theyre edible or not

knight: [giving them a single glance] those are edible

knight 2: you can tell just from 1 look? i had no idea you knew that, cassie

knight: theres a lot of things about me you don't know, lexy.

knight 2: you haven't called me that in forever...

bandit: IF YOU TWO FUCK I GET TO WATCH

knight: ..........

knight 2: ...i'm gonna go hunt some deer

knight: good idea. fill my canteen while you're out there. you know which pond is safe

knight 2: yes puppy

knight: [blushing] cmon now. get out of here.

knight 2: yeah yeah.. [stepping out of the cabin with her bow and quiver]

bandit: [hopping onto the bed next to cassie] sooooo.. whats the deal... ive heard her side but i havent heard yours...

knight: what is there to talk about. she picked them and not me. simple story.

bandit: yeah but like.. hows that make you feel...

knight: not particularly good. i doubt itd make anyone feel good.

bandit: well.. yeah.. she said you had like a lotta problems nd stuff

knight: she talked about that to you? ugh.. of course she did...

bandit: ohh sorry.. i mean she didnt say what or nothin'.. yknow i have a lotta problems too..

knight: [rolling her eyes] i'm sure a scoundrel like you has plenty.

bandit: no seriously!!! my mom and dad are both dead

knight: [pausing. setting her spear down] ...i'm sorry. mine too. how old are you..?

bandit: [wiping her nose] i dunno. probly like 18 or 19? i stopped keeping track after a while. no reason to celebrate birthdays yknow

knight: i suppose.. i'm sorry kid. mine were burned down by a dragon

bandit: i'm not a kid. but. yeah. mine died in a fire too. i dunno who set it, but i was the only survivor. prolly shoulda died with them yknow what i mean.

knight: [taking her helmet off] you can't talk like that. you deserve to be alive. don't say things like that.

bandit: [sniffling] yeah. guess so. sorry miss cassie.

knight: it's.. fine.. do you have any friends..? family..?

bandit: nope. ive been on my own since uhh.. since i was like 6 or 7 probly

knight: that's.. that's awful.. i had no idea. i'm sorry, zoey. hey, when this quest is done, do you know where you're gonna go?

bandit: [kicking her feet back and forth] idunno.. probably im gonna like.. go back to thievin and shit.. yknow..

knight: ......

knight: um. ssorry if this is like. weird. but. do you wanna come back with us? you can stay in my room.. i live with the princess anyways..

bandit: [starry eyed] NO WAY.. REALLY?! CAN I? CAN I CAN I CAN I? PLEASE??

knight: yyknow what, yeah, sure. why not. you can stay with me

bandit: YAY OMG YAY YAY YAY THANK YOU SO MUCH BIG SIS [hugging her really tight]

knight: a-awwh.. what did you just call me?

bandit: ssorry was that weird???

knight: n.. no.. its okay.. youre a sweet kid

bandit: UGHH!! IM NOT A FUCKING KID!!!!!!!

knight: eheheh.. i know.. l.. little sis.. you're sweet. thank you for talking with me.

bandit: [pouting] wh.. whatever... tthankyou too..

bandit: BIG SIS BIG SIS BIG SIS I WANNA PLAY WITH UR SPEAR CAN I PLAY WITH IT CAN I CAN I

knight: no, zoey, it's very sharp and dangerous

bandit: grrrr. . ive probably killed more things than you! just let me have it!! gimme! gimme!!

knight 2: she's certainly taken a liking to you

knight: she's just lonely and needs someone to take care of her, that's all

bandit: GGRRRRRR.. GIMME.. GIMME...

knight 2: sounds like someone i know

knight: what's.. what's that supposed to mean.

knight 2: nothin'.. just, nice seeing you care about someone like this

knight: ii.. i care about plenty of people.. i care about the princess.. the maid.. i care about you.. [giving the bandit a piece of dried meat to chew on]

bandit: gwrr gr grrgrg rgrg [chewing excitedly]

knight 2: yeah but.. it was really sweet of you to take her in like this.. you are a very kind person, cassie. you always have been

knight: i took an oath–

knight 2: but it's not the oath, is it. be honest with me, you care deeply for others. you always have. its maybe one of my favorite things about you

knight: w- whatever,, somebody has to protect her..

knight 2: and i'm glad it's you. genuinely. you're a good dog, cassie.

knight: w.. wrrf.. wwhatever.. we should be nearing the end of these woods soon, i hope..

knight 2: yeah. i don't know what i'm gonna do when this adventure is over

knight: how do you mean..?

knight 2: i dunno. being out here, in the wilderness, with you, and with her honestly, it just.. i feel like i woke a part of me up that's been asleep for a long time, do you get what i mean..?

knight: actually.. i think i do.. yeah.. this has been.. nice. i think. i hope the princess is okay

knight 2: forget about the princess, i'm sure the princess is fine.. what matters most is you. i can see that now. you're an incredibly special person, cassie. you deserve to be protected

knight: th.. thank you alexa. you're special too, i think.

bandit: BIG SIS ARE YOU GONNA FUCK HER???

knight: sis. language

bandit: i'm an adult woman!!!

knight: oh.. right.. well.. you still shouldn't speak like that! it's rude! [taps her spear on the ground]

knight 2: heheh.. you're still the same girl you've always been, arentcha puppy?

knight: hey. that's not fair. i've grown at least a little bit..

knight 2: yeah?

knight: yeah. i stopped yelling as much

knight 2: oh yeah.. you did. im proud of you, cassie

bandit: and you started being nice to me! you were a huge bitch when i met you! and now you're my big sis forever!!!!

knight: aand.. that too.. eheh.. [scruffling the bandit's hair]

knight 2: hey.. uh.. i was wondering.. weve been hitting it off a lot on this trip.. and.. yknow.. weve both grown a lot as people..

knight: uh huh...

knight 2: would you wanna, uh.. try again?

knight: i am not dating those two again. no.

knight 2: no.. uh.. without them..

knight: what are you saying, alexa? are you offering to break up with them for me?

knight 2: well.. uh.. someones gotta help you take care of the girl

bandit: ADULT BTW!!! ADULT!!!!!

knight 2: it was just a suggestion, anyways.. you dont have to say yes..

knight: i.. i really appreciate that, alexa. i'll have to think about it.

knight 2: yeah.. of course, no pressure..