Reblogged old-flesh
Reblogged hcnnibal
could you imagine if tinder was like this. instead of unicorn hunters and weed plugs
This post gives me the perfect excuse to post my favorite ad ever
you can still write bios like this. I do and it works. I say what I am looking for, exactly, and what I have to offer. It is a real closer. try it!
Reblogged face-mechon
Its time theft friyay
i really appreciate the talk around stopping t, even if my experience was a little different. i've always id'd as genderqueer and went off t for about 6 months in 2020 after 4 years on it - mostly due to access issues, but also because when i started i wasn't sure i would be on it forever, or if i still wanted to be on it after receiving my surgeries that relieved my dysphoria so much. it took a few months, but as soon as i noticed my face had changed it made me so uncomfortable - it was so subtle, i don't even know if anyone else noticed anything but something about it definitely brought some dysphoria back for me. i was able to restart t and i've felt a lot more confident since then that i'd be okay with staying on it for the rest of my life, and i definitely think it was a useful experience just to confirm that it's what i need.
yo yes! Hormones make a HUGE difference in how a person's face appears, even if many people are not tuned into it. Skin texture, facial fat distribution, eyebrow growth, fluid build up around the eye area which can alter head width -- these things can add up a LOT if you are sensitive to them. for me the rougher skinned, gaunter, puffier/wider-around-the-eyes effects I had on T had to be the ones that made me most dysphoric. Right now I have the blend of some estrogenizing of the face PLUS the thicker eyebrows and more defined jaw that T gave me, which is like pretty ideal personally. just need to gain some damn weight tho!
glad you found what worked for you!
Reblogged malefionaapple
Reblogged pillowimp
Hi. Just wanted to say thanks for your article about stopping T. I’ve been playing around with the idea of pausing T for a while. But I felt like my justifications to myself weren’t good enough weighed against the positive effects of T. Basically, I am just curious about things I didn’t think to consider when starting. For example, I experienced a shift in my sexual orientation. Was that revealing a hidden truth, a permanent switch flipped by the hormones, or—as I may soon discover—something changeable with my hormone levels? I have a lot of questions like that. It’s sort of ironic, I started T as an experiment, basically hoping to get a voice drop and then get out of there but also just to see what it was like. But I loved it so much I stayed on for six years. Somehow, giving myself permission to experiment again in the other direction was actually harder. And partially because it involved admitting to myself that there are a few things I miss from before, like my hairline and those sweet, sweet E orgasms (and at least I will get those again for a while). Anyway, your article helped me think through those things a bit and take down the overall level of feeling like it is such a Big Deal instead of just me following my own path as I see fit. I’m really excited to see how this ends up feeling, whether I nope out quickly and run back to T before I answer my questions, or have another total surprise and end up staying off it, or wherever I might end up in between.
Oh wow, thank you so much -- messages like this are why I keep on saying what I am going through, even though it may make some people uncomfortable. Like you, I found it very threatening to admit to myself that some effects of T were not what I was presently wanting, and that I wanted to try feeling out E again -- the stigma associated with harboring any "transition regrets" (even if that's not what they actually are) is heavy, and trans people face immense societal pressure to represent our community with the tidiest, most respectable of narratives. We transitioned because we needed to, and it's so much better now -- this leaves no room for anyone who is a crazy messy horny identity confused person like me who might transition because I *wanted* to and because the idea turned me on, and who has just as much right to stop it or transition in another way or undo some of it if that idea gets me horny (and helps me feel right in my body and happy looking in the mirror, which is also true, but harder sometimes to pinpoint).
I have another piece coming out this month on what I have been noticing in the past 4~ months off of hormones. Estrogen orgasms are back, baby! And my skin is so very soft! Periods came back online after about two months for me, though your mileage may vary -- and the sexism has been such a fascinating, funny thing to observe creeping back into my life after years of not dealing with it. This estrogen shit is really something, my experiences do nothing but affirm the importance of everybody having access to whatever hormones & surgeries for their bodies they could ever possibly want -- and it turns out this gender shit that I am often so blase about is really a thing that exists, too. I felt really unhappy with my appearance for a while there. I'm actively excited to be me and to look at myself in the mirror now. and everybody should get to feel that!
Reblogged jessaerys
personally think the most profound difference between show lestat vs book lestat is that show lestat is genuinely a music snob and kills classically trained singers for having less than perfect pitch whereas book lestat would go absolutely crazy for tubthumping by chumbawamba
Reblogged drdemonprince
Carlos Fernández - “Self delusion”
graphite on paper, 2023
The Substance
Reblogged
Carlos Fernández - “Self delusion”
graphite on paper, 2023
Reblogged
do u have any thoughts or tips on essentially like, "ethical ghosting" lol.
i was talking to this super hot person on lex a while ago and we had a great rapport but like, between my incredibly tiny social battery and the differing feelings and needs of alters in my system, texting every day just wasn't WORKING.. so i ghosted them. and ghosting people in this way frequently seems to be my only option! so i'm wondering like.. is it ok to do this? is there a better way?
I think you could have communicated your way through this one, I'm afraid!
People all have wildly different relationships to digital communication, for example you and someone else might differ on:
- which apps you use
- how often you use them
- what times of day you are online
- which ones are of a higher or more immediate 'tier'
- whether you see notifications
- whether you approach exchanging messages like a real-time conversation or like exchanging letters
- whether your enjoy getting spammed with memes and random thoughts and do not see that as a pressure to respond
- whether you like to painstakingly reply in detail to every single thing that you get
- whether all of this texting bullshit is annoying or restorative to you
People sometimes ghost because they & a conversation partner have a huge mismatch on these things. And that's fair enough, if it's a dealbreaker-- I do not think "ghosting" is basically ever wrong or abusive. it is a tool, and a lack of a reply *is a message* of a kind.
But, if you like the person and enjoy the conversation, you can just lay out how you use social media/texting/The App, and check in with the person about how they do as well!
All you really have to do is give the person information that helps them know what to expect from you, so that they can make their own decisions about whether that's something they are up for.
Some example scripts:
- "Hey, just so you know I don't check [Dating App] very often. But I'm enjoying talking to you. Wanna text me? Here's my number."
- "I know it's been a while since my last message. I like to focus on responding when I can give it my attention. I just wanted you to know so you don't think a long gap means I am not interested."
- "I've been [really busy/burned out/etc] and not checking this app. But it's great to hear from you. How did [thing you told me about months ago] turn out?"
- "I can't promise I'll respond to messages quickly. Keeping a limit on how often I'm online is important for my wellbeing."
- "I like to send lots of memes, like I'm a cat leaving rodents at my owner's feet. Don't feel any pressure to respond to them, though! It just means I was thinking about you!"
- "If you need a quicker response from me or it's an urgent question, message me on [specific app]."
- "I love chatting throughout the day, and in my ideal world, my partner would feel the same way."
You can see even in this list of examples how some people's needs are incompatible! That's fine. That means it probably would not be a good relationship, then, in which case it's fine to just end things. Ghosting is one method of doing so -- I would encourage direct communication instead, but doing that takes energy and emotional investment and not every random online conversation merits that. We "process" relationships we care about. We can't care about everything.
My belief is that ghosting is fundamentally just a thing people do, and a thing that will happen. How well it works depends on the context and the nature of the situation. On some apps, like Grindr, ghosting simply means "I am not available/interested right now," and it is considered perfectly normal to pick a conversation back up weeks or even months later. In fact, chatting all day long with people you're not genuinely interested in is often a bigger faux pas!
Ghosting is also a tool used by women to avoid harassment. If a person doesn't feel safe turning someone down or establishing a boundary, noping out of the conversation entirely is often the best way to enforce that boundary. I do think that sometimes this can lead to a pattern of avoidance, in which a person's fear of conflict is interpreted as feelings of "unsafety" and they never bring their actual concerns or preferences up and never get to develop experience advocating for themselves that would help them feel more safe -- if you're white or a Midwestern American in particular you might be infected with this kind of brain worm.
Lots of people ghost when they are afraid to say anything the other person might not want to hear. I would encourage people to move past that impulse and get better at taking on risks and potentially ruining the vibe, because that is how actual relationships form. But! A lot of vulnerable people are very GOOD at accurately identifying when their no won't be respected and they learn to ghost instead and like, that's fine. again, an in-depth conversation is for someone you are emotionally invested in. you dont owe that to some rando youre trading dick pics with or whatever.
But the fact is, at the end of the day, ghosting is a thing that will just happen for a number of reasons. People should expect to get ghosted on dating apps and all other social applications, and develop the ability to take it in stride, because people can become unavailable or unwilling to participate in a conversation at any time for a variety of reasons.
It's just a fact of life. I haven't been on Facebook in 11 months because my fucking hand stopped working. And it's a hell zone. Anyone who is a priority in my life has multiple other ways to contact me if they want to. Anyone who doesn't will absolutely survive not hearing from me on facebook. Any person that you are chatting with online could experience a family death, a burnout, the end or beginning of a relationship, or just lose interest in online chatting at any given time and that's their right.
i think we should generally move away from talking about ghosting as if it's some horrible act of deception and relational abuse and more like it's no longer seeing your buddy log on to a game that you both used to play. who the fuck knows why they aren't playing with that particular digital toy anymore. but if you have a real relationship, you'll probably be able to ask them. if you can't, well, then for some reason, and in some way, the relationship never developed beyond both using one particular App together, for a moment in time.
i will never not have sympathy for a ghoster because as a minor tier public figure i get so many goddamned fucking messages that if i took responding to or even reading all of them with any degree of seriousness i would fucking kill myself out of stress. every person has their limits on how much of this bullshit they can or even want to take on. and nobody should have to do any of it, either if they do not want to!!
some people like texting. some people like being on The APPs. often a person's relationship to you on the Apps tellls you more about how much they like using the App and less about how much they like you. if a person is invested in your actual relationship, conversely, they will tend to be a lot more fluid and flexible in how they approach digital communication.
my dear loved ones know that i am highly chaotic in how i access these things and that i am overwhelmed basically CONSTANTLY by them, and they are incredibly patient. that trust and grace deepens our relationships far more than hourly instagram reels exchanges ever fucking could. but! you know! if someone loves spamming the chat with memes and getting lots of responses they should find another social media power user to hang out with!!
i am going to write a longer and more organized version of this on my substack because now youve got me writing up example social media usage types.
for example, the "Cat Dropping Presents" style texter, the "Aloof Missive-Sender", the "Always Online" person, the "Midnight Chatter", the "Bored at Work Chatter", the "Posts and Ghosts"-er, the "Fucks off for a Month then Comes Back with a Novel", and the "Really reallly really active listener".
Reblogged
do u have any thoughts or tips on essentially like, "ethical ghosting" lol.
i was talking to this super hot person on lex a while ago and we had a great rapport but like, between my incredibly tiny social battery and the differing feelings and needs of alters in my system, texting every day just wasn't WORKING.. so i ghosted them. and ghosting people in this way frequently seems to be my only option! so i'm wondering like.. is it ok to do this? is there a better way?
I think you could have communicated your way through this one, I'm afraid!
People all have wildly different relationships to digital communication, for example you and someone else might differ on:
- which apps you use
- how often you use them
- what times of day you are online
- which ones are of a higher or more immediate 'tier'
- whether you see notifications
- whether you approach exchanging messages like a real-time conversation or like exchanging letters
- whether your enjoy getting spammed with memes and random thoughts and do not see that as a pressure to respond
- whether you like to painstakingly reply in detail to every single thing that you get
- whether all of this texting bullshit is annoying or restorative to you
People sometimes ghost because they & a conversation partner have a huge mismatch on these things. And that's fair enough, if it's a dealbreaker-- I do not think "ghosting" is basically ever wrong or abusive. it is a tool, and a lack of a reply *is a message* of a kind.
But, if you like the person and enjoy the conversation, you can just lay out how you use social media/texting/The App, and check in with the person about how they do as well!
All you really have to do is give the person information that helps them know what to expect from you, so that they can make their own decisions about whether that's something they are up for.
Some example scripts:
- "Hey, just so you know I don't check [Dating App] very often. But I'm enjoying talking to you. Wanna text me? Here's my number."
- "I know it's been a while since my last message. I like to focus on responding when I can give it my attention. I just wanted you to know so you don't think a long gap means I am not interested."
- "I've been [really busy/burned out/etc] and not checking this app. But it's great to hear from you. How did [thing you told me about months ago] turn out?"
- "I can't promise I'll respond to messages quickly. Keeping a limit on how often I'm online is important for my wellbeing."
- "I like to send lots of memes, like I'm a cat leaving rodents at my owner's feet. Don't feel any pressure to respond to them, though! It just means I was thinking about you!"
- "If you need a quicker response from me or it's an urgent question, message me on [specific app]."
- "I love chatting throughout the day, and in my ideal world, my partner would feel the same way."
You can see even in this list of examples how some people's needs are incompatible! That's fine. That means it probably would not be a good relationship, then, in which case it's fine to just end things. Ghosting is one method of doing so -- I would encourage direct communication instead, but doing that takes energy and emotional investment and not every random online conversation merits that. We "process" relationships we care about. We can't care about everything.
My belief is that ghosting is fundamentally just a thing people do, and a thing that will happen. How well it works depends on the context and the nature of the situation. On some apps, like Grindr, ghosting simply means "I am not available/interested right now," and it is considered perfectly normal to pick a conversation back up weeks or even months later. In fact, chatting all day long with people you're not genuinely interested in is often a bigger faux pas!
Ghosting is also a tool used by women to avoid harassment. If a person doesn't feel safe turning someone down or establishing a boundary, noping out of the conversation entirely is often the best way to enforce that boundary. I do think that sometimes this can lead to a pattern of avoidance, in which a person's fear of conflict is interpreted as feelings of "unsafety" and they never bring their actual concerns or preferences up and never get to develop experience advocating for themselves that would help them feel more safe -- if you're white or a Midwestern American in particular you might be infected with this kind of brain worm.
Lots of people ghost when they are afraid to say anything the other person might not want to hear. I would encourage people to move past that impulse and get better at taking on risks and potentially ruining the vibe, because that is how actual relationships form. But! A lot of vulnerable people are very GOOD at accurately identifying when their no won't be respected and they learn to ghost instead and like, that's fine. again, an in-depth conversation is for someone you are emotionally invested in. you dont owe that to some rando youre trading dick pics with or whatever.
But the fact is, at the end of the day, ghosting is a thing that will just happen for a number of reasons. People should expect to get ghosted on dating apps and all other social applications, and develop the ability to take it in stride, because people can become unavailable or unwilling to participate in a conversation at any time for a variety of reasons.
It's just a fact of life. I haven't been on Facebook in 11 months because my fucking hand stopped working. And it's a hell zone. Anyone who is a priority in my life has multiple other ways to contact me if they want to. Anyone who doesn't will absolutely survive not hearing from me on facebook. Any person that you are chatting with online could experience a family death, a burnout, the end or beginning of a relationship, or just lose interest in online chatting at any given time and that's their right.
i think we should generally move away from talking about ghosting as if it's some horrible act of deception and relational abuse and more like it's no longer seeing your buddy log on to a game that you both used to play. who the fuck knows why they aren't playing with that particular digital toy anymore. but if you have a real relationship, you'll probably be able to ask them. if you can't, well, then for some reason, and in some way, the relationship never developed beyond both using one particular App together, for a moment in time.
i will never not have sympathy for a ghoster because as a minor tier public figure i get so many goddamned fucking messages that if i took responding to or even reading all of them with any degree of seriousness i would fucking kill myself out of stress. every person has their limits on how much of this bullshit they can or even want to take on. and nobody should have to do any of it, either if they do not want to!!
some people like texting. some people like being on The APPs. often a person's relationship to you on the Apps tellls you more about how much they like using the App and less about how much they like you. if a person is invested in your actual relationship, conversely, they will tend to be a lot more fluid and flexible in how they approach digital communication.
my dear loved ones know that i am highly chaotic in how i access these things and that i am overwhelmed basically CONSTANTLY by them, and they are incredibly patient. that trust and grace deepens our relationships far more than hourly instagram reels exchanges ever fucking could. but! you know! if someone loves spamming the chat with memes and getting lots of responses they should find another social media power user to hang out with!!
do u have any thoughts or tips on essentially like, "ethical ghosting" lol.
i was talking to this super hot person on lex a while ago and we had a great rapport but like, between my incredibly tiny social battery and the differing feelings and needs of alters in my system, texting every day just wasn't WORKING.. so i ghosted them. and ghosting people in this way frequently seems to be my only option! so i'm wondering like.. is it ok to do this? is there a better way?
I think you could have communicated your way through this one, I'm afraid!
People all have wildly different relationships to digital communication, for example you and someone else might differ on:
- which apps you use
- how often you use them
- what times of day you are online
- which ones are of a higher or more immediate 'tier'
- whether you see notifications
- whether you approach exchanging messages like a real-time conversation or like exchanging letters
- whether your enjoy getting spammed with memes and random thoughts and do not see that as a pressure to respond
- whether you like to painstakingly reply in detail to every single thing that you get
- whether all of this texting bullshit is annoying or restorative to you
People sometimes ghost because they & a conversation partner have a huge mismatch on these things. And that's fair enough, if it's a dealbreaker-- I do not think "ghosting" is basically ever wrong or abusive. it is a tool, and a lack of a reply *is a message* of a kind.
But, if you like the person and enjoy the conversation, you can just lay out how you use social media/texting/The App, and check in with the person about how they do as well!
All you really have to do is give the person information that helps them know what to expect from you, so that they can make their own decisions about whether that's something they are up for.
Some example scripts:
- "Hey, just so you know I don't check [Dating App] very often. But I'm enjoying talking to you. Wanna text me? Here's my number."
- "I know it's been a while since my last message. I like to focus on responding when I can give it my attention. I just wanted you to know so you don't think a long gap means I am not interested."
- "I've been [really busy/burned out/etc] and not checking this app. But it's great to hear from you. How did [thing you told me about months ago] turn out?"
- "I can't promise I'll respond to messages quickly. Keeping a limit on how often I'm online is important for my wellbeing."
- "I like to send lots of memes, like I'm a cat leaving rodents at my owner's feet. Don't feel any pressure to respond to them, though! It just means I was thinking about you!"
- "If you need a quicker response from me or it's an urgent question, message me on [specific app]."
- "I love chatting throughout the day, and in my ideal world, my partner would feel the same way."
You can see even in this list of examples how some people's needs are incompatible! That's fine. That means it probably would not be a good relationship, then, in which case it's fine to just end things. Ghosting is one method of doing so -- I would encourage direct communication instead, but doing that takes energy and emotional investment and not every random online conversation merits that. We "process" relationships we care about. We can't care about everything.
My belief is that ghosting is fundamentally just a thing people do, and a thing that will happen. How well it works depends on the context and the nature of the situation. On some apps, like Grindr, ghosting simply means "I am not available/interested right now," and it is considered perfectly normal to pick a conversation back up weeks or even months later. In fact, chatting all day long with people you're not genuinely interested in is often a bigger faux pas!
Ghosting is also a tool used by women to avoid harassment. If a person doesn't feel safe turning someone down or establishing a boundary, noping out of the conversation entirely is often the best way to enforce that boundary. I do think that sometimes this can lead to a pattern of avoidance, in which a person's fear of conflict is interpreted as feelings of "unsafety" and they never bring their actual concerns or preferences up and never get to develop experience advocating for themselves that would help them feel more safe -- if you're white or a Midwestern American in particular you might be infected with this kind of brain worm.
Lots of people ghost when they are afraid to say anything the other person might not want to hear. I would encourage people to move past that impulse and get better at taking on risks and potentially ruining the vibe, because that is how actual relationships form. But! A lot of vulnerable people are very GOOD at accurately identifying when their no won't be respected and they learn to ghost instead and like, that's fine. again, an in-depth conversation is for someone you are emotionally invested in. you dont owe that to some rando youre trading dick pics with or whatever.
But the fact is, at the end of the day, ghosting is a thing that will just happen for a number of reasons. People should expect to get ghosted on dating apps and all other social applications, and develop the ability to take it in stride, because people can become unavailable or unwilling to participate in a conversation at any time for a variety of reasons.
It's just a fact of life. I haven't been on Facebook in 11 months because my fucking hand stopped working. And it's a hell zone. Anyone who is a priority in my life has multiple other ways to contact me if they want to. Anyone who doesn't will absolutely survive not hearing from me on facebook. Any person that you are chatting with online could experience a family death, a burnout, the end or beginning of a relationship, or just lose interest in online chatting at any given time and that's their right.
i think we should generally move away from talking about ghosting as if it's some horrible act of deception and relational abuse and more like it's no longer seeing your buddy log on to a game that you both used to play. who the fuck knows why they aren't playing with that particular digital toy anymore. but if you have a real relationship, you'll probably be able to ask them. if you can't, well, then for some reason, and in some way, the relationship never developed beyond both using one particular App together, for a moment in time.