Juansen Dizon, i am the architect of my own destruction

gen z deadbeat father who left to get oat milk and a vape

he's a monstrous heartless villain to YOU. he's a pinup girl to me

Your👏body👏type👏does👏not👏determine👏your👏worth👏or👏how👏much👏respect👏you👏deserve👏 

passing through a dream

current fan creation landscape is kinda like if you went to a party with a homemade cake and everyone takes a slice and silently thumbs up at you with no attempt to start a conversation except for occasionally some guy sits in the corner with a tape recorder critiquing the cake as though he was a restaurant critic and another guy is handing the cake to an uber driver like "yeah i need you to find a restaurant that makes cake like this so i can have more of it" and the only person that's talked to you in 30 minutes is a very sweet little guy who was like "hey i liked your cake" and then ran away apologizing for bothering you the moment you said thank you.

someone brought a cake analysis robot to feed the cake into to determine the exact ingredients and supposedly it can spit out the exact same cake. and if you're like dude. what. then they're like well if it bothers you you should have made more cake. i'm hungry and i deserve cake. and you're like dude we're at a party.

Three months later you find out that fifty people locked themselves in a room to discuss how much they loved your cake and how they wished you made more. None of them ever told you.

so for the love of god. please tell people you liked their cake and don’t feel embarrassed about it. because then they will make more cake.

Tape recorder click sound my beloved

actually while i’m here: jonathan “gotta compromise the structural integrity of my skeleton before i jump into the Crush You To Death Dimension” sims is fucking COASTING on the quality of his voice. this man impulse-murdered a coffee table with an axe because he was pissed at the eldritch being imprisoned within it and was SURPRISED when destroying the horror prison released the horrors. by season 2 he is accusing his coworkers of murder for being nice to him and is literally on a first name basis with the autonomous physical manifestation of losing your mind. he makes the most absurd possible choice at every turn and somehow STILL manages to come across as straitlaced and reasonable because he talks like if a bbc documentary voiceover was disappointed in you personally

i love when ppl draw elias bouchard wearing like anachronistic ass emerald green waistcoats and a monocle in their fanart bc it makes s1 so much funnier to think about. like you know what? yeah actually if i was jonathan sims and my fucking freak of a boss dressed like that and did an evil monologue voice at all times and paid me to read ghost stories in his basement all day, i would also probably be like "yeah this is a deeply unserious job and i am the only normal person here. sick paycheck tho" and then clock the fuck out without ever thinking about those fuckass statements again!! like what are we dunking on him for!! who would chalk that up to anything other than "my weirdass boss has clearly taken his eccentric edwardian magician LARP too far but goddamn if that check doesn't come in every month"

changing your mind about stuff over time is embarrassingggg but especially when it happens in relatively short time and then u have to be like oh yeah that thing i said 4 months ago? i don’t believe any of that anymore. yeah i know i sounded really confident at the time my bad.

can i have a cigarette?

OH. OH MY GOD.

THATS NOT ARTIFACTING. THATS THE BODY SWAYING.

HOLY SHIT.

funniest statements from the magnus archives in no particular order: 

• spiders, but they hate you personally
• that one guy who was paid to keep a clearly fucked up coffin in his living room and just decided to fucking ignore the weird shit. (king)
• band that is so bad at music that you die
• a pile of worms stole my phone and texted my coworkers
• man who admits he killed another man because he had a spooky vampire name
• guy who felt the need to just dunk on this one guy for 10 minutes because he was a shitty drug mule. he also got his bones stolen. this is only mentioned at the very end.
• twink with knife hands (cool)
• Two random men walked in and stole my shipping company
• fucked up monsters taking an anatomy class but are very polite and on time so its cool and sort of endearing. 
• jon talking about how he has childhood trauma about an evil spider monster. only funny because i’m binge listening to this podcast and last week listened to him make fun of how stupid the idea of an evil spider monster is
• bone stealing man shows up again and opens a gym to help people get fucking shredded. 
• the plumber who shows up to the middle of a creepy monster circus in the middle of the night, looks at the pipes overflowing with blood, goes “there’s your problem” and just fucking pulls out a mass of flesh and then…leaves.
• they literally just let him leave 
• monsters have to invite him back to try and kill him again because he was so unfazed the first time

i’m super fond of the tax auditor who investigates a shop run by a gang of changeling creatures, notices the fake human in charge is acting weird but goes hey my nephew is autistic i get it no eye contact that’s cool no worries, and eventually concludes that whatever it is they’re doing in that shop it wasn’t tax fraud so it’s Not His Problem

Hermann Eschke - "Lighthouse on a Cliff by Moonlight" (1879)