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“...eat my paycheck to paycheck ass, ‘the economy’...”

"Millennials can't afford houses because they buy too much avocado toast."

"Why won't the millennials (and friends) buy more avocado toast? :("

Over a decade ago when there was an attempt to raise minimum wage in Florida the response i would hear from salaried folk was "but, Tea, if we do that a McDonald's burger will cost 15 bucks!"

To which I'd respond "no one is going to pay $15 for McDonalds. They'll either eat elsewhere or just pack lunch." (Usually said as I was eating my packed lunch. The writers weren't paid enough to do anything else.)

There would then be an anguish cry "but how McDonalds stay in business?"

Me, with a shrug, "do i look like the CEO of McDonalds? Not my problem."

Followed by the other person looking confused.

See, this is something American corporate life trains into you. The idea that you are responsible for the company's economic welfare, regardless of your position. And that taking care of the company's welfare is taking care of society's welfare.

Yes, there are some people in corporate positions who will believe that bringing their own lunch is actively harming the economy. But this won't inspire them to raise wages.

And now, McDonald's *does* cost $15 a meal, even though people never got that minimum wage increase, and now people are bringing their lunches, and they're blaming US for it anyway.

"The economy" can lick my sweaty trans taint.

laughing my ass off about this interaction with a customer service employee. the initial chat bot connected me to an agent, but i didn't realize because the response was so fast and standard. so i typed 'speak to an agent' and they replied

'i am an agent, customer' is killing meeeeeeee

no guarantees of getting your order at this restaurant..

you can pry starting sentences with 'and' or 'but' out of my cold, dead hands

op how does it feel to be the most correct person on earth

a guy shoots at me with a sniper rifle and I catch the bullet in my teeth and eat it, but he saw that coming and put poison in the bullet, but I saw that coming and drank an antidote ahead of time, but all those weird chemicals still give me a really bad kidney stone a few days later and I pass out from pain and crash my car into, by pure coincidence, the sniper

sometimes you just want to look at the qing dynasty jadeite cabbage again

here she is!

[ID: a sculpture of a chinese cabbage carved from a piece of two-tone white-and-green jadeite, resting on an intricate wooden stand /end ID]

today i learned fish can be dicks

i am laughing so hard that white fish is such a piece of shit and i love it

closeup

ufo dog

6 years ago, Shohei Ohtani hit a home run ball that went through the roof of Tokyo Dome.

This is amazing. It would be amazing for any player, but you need to understand that he is one of the greatest pitchers of the age, and pitchers don't usually even come to bat - Ohtani actually plays two positions (pitcher and DH, who is the person usually tasked with hitting for the pitcher)

The last player to be a top pitcher and a top hitter was Babe Ruth, and Ohtani is better at both than he was.

Martha just wants to party.

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told my coworker “they’re accusing the chivelord of chive fraud” and it turns out she doesn’t know what any of that means and i look crazy

HE CONFESSED TO THE CHIVE FRAUD

context for the people not following along with chivegate: chopping a cup of chives is a pretty standard test of a chef’s knife skills, so about a month ago a redditor on r/KitchenConfidential started cutting a cup of chives every day until reddit says they’re perfect. he quickly became a wildly popular character, his chives posts regularly hit the front page of reddit. ah what happy larks we’ve had. chive montage break.

but earlier today someone posted that for the past two days he had posted the same cup of chives, just a different photo and flipped. investigation, accusation, excuses, and despair followed in the comments. a few hours later the chivelord himself posted an apology, stating that he had been having car trouble and was unable to get and chop chives and had been too embarrassed skip a day. he offered to submit to the most-upvoted reasonable punishment, which as of right now is, in second place, buying a tripod and posting videos of him chopping his chives, and in first place, simply sitting with the weight of his betrayal

When you make love potions, you have to add the thing where they turn whatever they’re added to bright magenta and give off pink vapour in the shape of little hearts. Love potions don’t do that on their own when you make them. It’s like how they have to add smells to natural gas in case there’s a leak. The high magic council is really strict about this

out of curiosity, does everyone have a certain type of character they get attached to or are urs random

Interview of all time