According to a survey released Tuesday by psychologists at Brown University, couples in the United States have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, and if something doesn’t change, and change soon, the future of their relationships may be in doubt.

The nationwide poll, which asked about topics ranging from communication issues to the health of a couple’s sex life, found not only that things were pretty much on the rocks, but also that many people weren’t even sure anymore if their partners were the same people they once fell in love with.

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The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke’s decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company’s desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might. Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

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Tidal Pools Nature's Putrid Sewers: Horrifying Planet

In a humiliating incident that all parties involved said they would “never get over,” Peter Miklewski, 15, confirmed he came home from school early Monday and accidentally walked in on seven members of his family masturbating in the living room. “Aaagh! Get out of here, goddammit!” shouted Peter’s parents, David and Jessica; his sister, Virginia; his older brother, Caleb; and his grandmother Emily, while his younger brother, Mark, and his aunt Fay reportedly scrambled to turn off the pornographic video they had been watching. “Why the hell don’t you knock?” Sources said that after leaving the room, Peter sighed, concluded his family members were simply at those ages, and decided never to discuss the incident with them.

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With its abounding reams of critical information, BostonDuckTours.com’s Frequently Asked Questions page goes to great lengths to eliminate even the slightest hint of confusion that may arise when it comes to touring the city via amphibious “Duck” vehicles, company officials said Friday.

The 2,400-word subdomain, which is broken into 37 separate expanding bullet points, reportedly covers an extensive canon of potential inquiries, such as “What should you wear?” “Do you get wet?” and, the question of vital importance to an overwhelming numbers of potential riders, “Are pets allowed on the Duck?’”

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Real Estate: Dad’s House

France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls

France announced that it will suspend Shein’s online marketplace after listings of sex dolls with child-like features emerged, coming as the brand opens its first brick-and-mortar store in Paris. What do you think?

As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to “just go with their gut.” “You’ve done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts when landing without visibility,” said FAA administrator Bryan Bedford, assuring concerned pilots that there were no wrong answers when it came to flying an airplane and that the worst thing they could do was overthink it. 

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Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming movie would pick up right where the first branded tumbler left off. “Wicked part two is a seamless continuation of the original Target-exclusive stainless steel tumbler with detachable straw,” said the filmmaker, emphasizing that anyone who loved the first $34.99 green-and-pink beverage container would be equally blown away by the second one.

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Tom Brady Clones Dog

Tom Brady revealed that he and his family used non-invasive technology to create a clone of their beloved dog after the original pet passed away. What do you think?

As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. “I’ve been procrastinating on these for months because I just don’t want to deal with them, and now I’ve got a huge stack,” said Fincher, who explained that it was always easier to convince himself that mowing the lawn or cleaning the kitchen was more pressing, and that he could wait until the next day to withdraw 10 grand in cash from the bank. “Look at these. One for my son, one for my assistant at work, another for my mom. You just can’t get ahead in this economy. You pay to get your daughter back, and then two weeks later you get yet another picture of your wife locked up in someone’s basement. I keep saying I’ll get around to getting everyone back, but some of these notes are six months old or more, and I’m honestly just embarrassed. Some are addressed to the previous resident, too, even though I’ve written back to explain they haven’t lived here in years.”

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The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You

Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, “Shut up, Mother! Shut up!” at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. “I’m not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly criticize me?” said the trembling 43rd president of the United States, accusing Cheney’s remains of cruelly mocking his paintings as “girlish” and “unbecoming of a boy his age.

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Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani

Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims being made about Mamdani.

13 Years Ago Today